So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
