maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
