Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
