she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
