Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
