I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
