Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
