Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
