I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
