You're my little dorito
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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