She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
