i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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