i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
