I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
don't judge my taste in strippers
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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