Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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