why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
