I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
