This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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