She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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