The maid of honor just puked.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
