I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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