I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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