she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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