I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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