just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
