I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
