Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
