Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
