Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
