I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
