My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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