Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
