i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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