something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house