i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..