i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together