The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
