Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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