Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
