guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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