Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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