I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
