what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
