Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
