just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
