but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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