Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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