: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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