So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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