This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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