I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
