Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
