In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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