It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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