He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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