I want you more than these girls want KFC
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
