Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
