you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
