Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
