when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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